Rudy’s Ultimate Halloween Survival Guide: Tricks, Treats, and How to Avoid Total Humiliation

Alright, furballs, it’s Rudy again—your favorite sausage dog and part-time Halloween expert.

I’m back with some much-needed advice because, let’s face it, Halloween’s a war zone for us pups. The humans think it’s all fun and games, but from where I’m standing (which is about 15cm off the ground), it’s chaos. Costumes, doorbells, and—ugh—tiny humans everywhere. If you’re not prepared, you’ll be running for cover faster than a squirrel on caffeine.

So, listen up. I’m about to drop the ultimate guide on how to survive Halloween like a pro. No tricks, just treats… and maybe a bit of attitude. You know me.

 

1. Let’s Talk Costumes: The Horror Show Begins

I’ll start with the worst part of Halloween—costumes. Look, I get it. Humans think it’s hilarious to dress us up like little pumpkins, hotdogs (the irony still kills me), or something equally humiliating. But here’s the deal: you gotta own it. If your humans are dead set on turning you into a taco, pirate, or the world’s smallest dinosaur, you’ve got two options—fight it or flaunt it.

Now, I’ve tried the whole “refuse to move and act like the costume weighs a ton” strategy, but trust me, it only gets you a pity photo and an extra treat for being “so cute.” So, my advice? Wear that ridiculous outfit with swagger. Hold your tail high, strut your tiny legs, and make everyone think, “Wow, that sausage dog in a tutu has some serious style.”

It’s a mind game, folks.

 

2. The Doorbell: Your Mortal Enemy

Ah, the doorbell. Normally, it’s a signal that someone’s about to give me attention (or food), so of course, I lose my mind when it rings. But Halloween? Oh no, it’s a non-stop symphony of ding-dong chaos. Do yourself a favour—find a comfy spot far, far away from the front door.

Now, if you’re the kind of dog who thrives on doorbell drama (no judgment), then go ahead, bark your head off at every mini witch and superhero that shows up. Just remember—after about the tenth time, even the humans start to look at you like, “Really, Rudy?” So, pace yourself. Maybe bark at every other trick-or-treater for maximum impact.

 

3. Don’t Fall for the Fake Treats

This one’s important, guys. Halloween candy is not for dogs. I repeat: not for dogs. I know, I know, those shiny wrappers look like they’re hiding some magical snack that’ll change your life, but trust me, chocolate is the devil in disguise.

Instead of sneaking human candy, aim for the real treats—like the ones from your secret stash. Or better yet, work those puppy eyes like a pro and get your humans to hook you up with the good stuff.

And don’t let those mini humans fool you either. They’ll try to pet you with one hand while clutching a candy bar in the other. I once got a face full of sticky caramel trying to charm a trick-or-treater. Not my finest moment. Stay sharp!

 

4. Trick-or-Treating: The Walk of Shame

Now, I don’t know about you, but sometimes my humans try to drag me out on one of these “fun” Halloween walks around the neighbourhood. You know, trick-or-treating. Sounds good in theory, right? “Oh, Rudy will love it! Fresh air, fun costumes!” Lies. All lies.

Here’s what really happens: you get paraded around in that humiliating costume (see point #1), surrounded by a swarm of sticky-fingered kids, while you dodge discarded candy wrappers, spooky lawn decorations that light up for no reason, and other dogs who are equally embarrassed by their outfits.

If you’ve gotta go, make sure you walk with confidence—like, “Yeah, I’m a sausage in a bun, but I’m the best damn sausage you’ve ever seen."

 

5. Beware the Lawn Monsters

I’m not even kidding about this one. The humans have gotten too good at Halloween decorations.

Last year, I nearly had a heart attack when a plastic skeleton in a lawn chair moved as I walked by. I’m a brave dog—I’ve taken on vacuum cleaners, the mailman, even a rogue balloon once—but these animatronic things? Nope.

Keep your distance, and if you hear a cackling witch laugh, make a run for it. You’ve been warned.

 

6. Post-Halloween Hangover

Here’s the real kicker—when Halloween is finally over, and the tiny humans have gone home, guess who’s left to deal with the aftermath? Yep, us.

The humans will still be buzzing on their sugar highs, and you’ll be there, wondering why your perfectly calm house has turned into a haunted circus.

It’s important to find your favorite napping spot, curl up, and ride out the storm. By the next morning, everything will go back to normal, and your dignity will (mostly) be restored.

 

7. Bonus Tip: Milk the Attention

Even though Halloween can be a hot mess, there is one major upside—attention. Whether it’s the humans laughing at how “adorable” you are or trick-or-treaters showering you with compliments, this is your time to shine.

Wag your tail, tilt your head, and work it. If you play your cards right, you’ll be rolling in belly rubs and treats until next Halloween.

 

So, there you have it—my guide to surviving Halloween without losing your sanity (or your dignity). Remember: strut like you mean it, dodge the doorbell drama, and for the love of bones, stay away from chocolate & candies. You’ve got this!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to figure out how to hide that hotdog costume before the humans find it again.

Stay spooky, fur-friends!

Rudy 🐾